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Author Topic: Lots Of Funny, Amuzing, Touching Quotes  (Read 7694 times)

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Iona_-Uk

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Lots Of Funny, Amuzing, Touching Quotes
« on: July 12, 2003, 11:04:20 AM »
A real mixed bag of quotes here, some will make you laugh, others make you think- add any you've found

"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on"
Samuel Goldwyn

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' "
Charlie Brown.

"Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television."
Woody Allen.

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
David Letterman.

"In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One."
Yakov Smirnoff.

"I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom."
Bob Hope.

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
George Gobal.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
-- Andy Rooney

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
-- Oscar Wilde

For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are."
Matt Lauer (on NBC's Today Show).

"Nouvelle Cuisine, roughly translated, means: I can't believe I paid ninety-six dollars and I'm still hungry."
Mike Kalin.

"I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup."
Eddie Izzard.

"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."
Groucho Marx.

Happiness is like a kiss. You must share it to enjoy it.
-- Bernard Meltzer

"Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes."
Oscar Wilde ('Lady Windemere's Fan' 1892).

"It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent."
Dave Barry.

"I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically."
Steven Wright.

"A positive attitude will not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort."
Herm Albright.

We used to build civilizations. Now we build shopping malls. Bill Bryson

An amateur is someone who supports himself with outside jobs which enable him to paint. A professional is someone whose wife works to enable him to paint.

"I'm a philosophy major. That means I can think deep thoughts about being unemployed."
Bruce Lee.

"If a man is a fool, you don't train him out of being a fool by sending him to university. You merely turn him into a trained fool, ten times more dangerous."
Desmond Bagley.

Life is what happens when you are making other plans.

Alcohol is a very necessary article...It makes life bearable to millions of people who could not endure their existance if they were quit sober. It enables Parliament to do things at eleven at night that no sane person would do at eleven in the morning

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Be nice to people on your way up because you'll meet 'em on your way down.

It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.

Nothing is illegal if one hundred well-placed business men decide to do it.

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called 'brightness', but it doesn't work.

I don't always know what I'm talking about but I know I'm right.

When you are born, you are crying and everyone around you is smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you are smiling and everyone around you is crying.
« Last Edit: July 12, 2003, 01:07:53 PM by Iona_-Uk »

Offline Erin

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Re: Lots Of Funny, Amuzing, Touching Quotes
« Reply #1 on: July 13, 2003, 03:27:25 AM »
Thanks for the great quotes, some really make you think and I laughed at the funny ones, I loved them.
Erin
7 years left knee pain/popping/giving out
10-20-00 L.knee surgery to tighten knee cap
2 years of right knee pain
9-13-02 Sprained right ankle
6-9-03 Brostrom-gould surgery on right ankle

Iona_-Uk

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Re: Lots Of Funny, Amuzing, Touching Quotes
« Reply #2 on: July 13, 2003, 12:51:53 PM »
Glad you liked them Erin, laughter is sometimes the best medicine

SL99

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Re: Lots Of Funny, Amuzing, Touching Quotes
« Reply #3 on: July 13, 2003, 06:17:52 PM »
They are really good Iona - thanks.  :)

I'll see if I can find some more from the endless piles of interesting stuff I have stacked on my comuter desk!

Love and hugs....Jo
xx