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Author Topic: Fun E-mails!  (Read 6492 times)

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Offline enuff81020

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Re: Fun E-mails!
« Reply #15 on: July 05, 2003, 11:37:45 PM »
Here's one I got from a very good friend---lol
Enjoy, Sylvia

Q&A on Pregnancy

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but
pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in
labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal
again?
A: When the kids are in college.
Both kneesOA.
Scope on rt knee,9/00;2/01
scope w/ LR and debridement rt knee 2/02
left knee same5/02
Patellar problems
LeftTKR12/16/02
Right TKR7/14/03
Complications MUA 8/14/03
R TKR revisio

Offline ATsoccergirl

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Re: Fun E-mails!
« Reply #16 on: July 11, 2003, 04:05:31 PM »
Top 8 Idiots of 2002

One Idiot of 2002
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter in to the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away. Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.


Number Two Idiot of 2002
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them.  It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing. Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet.


Number Three Idiot of 2002
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch And wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.


Number Four Idiot of 2002
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received, in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40. Another sign (though this guy might be onto something worth thinking about)!


Number Five Idiot of 2002
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later. This guy definitely needs a sign.!


Number Six Idiot(s) of 2002
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. This guy doesn't need a sign, he probably figured it out himself.


Number Seven Idiot of 2002
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape. Oh, that smarts. Give him his sign.


Number Eight Idiot of 2002
Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A.M., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. Sign please.
1999 LR, 2002 ACL/PLC recon, reversal of LR, 2004 ACL revision, 2006 Car accident torn PCL and small fractures resulting in bone chips in my knee.  Torn MCL 3 times.  Wicked screws under IT band and Pes Anserine.  June 2008-Hip Arthroscopy.

Offline cat

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Re: Fun E-mails!
« Reply #17 on: July 11, 2003, 09:40:15 PM »
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Good one! I can't stop laughing!!

cat
"Miserable malalignment"
 Lateral release, medial reefing, VMO advancement, and TTT-  3/2/04
Screw removal- 5/24/05
Cortisone injection to pes anserine- 7/27/05
Femoral derotation osteotomy, TTT revision- 10/18/07

Offline ATsoccergirl

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Re: Fun E-mails!
« Reply #18 on: July 11, 2003, 10:31:43 PM »
Martha Stewart's Tips For Rednecks

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the
sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it
is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.


DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup,
and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.


ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared
by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table...no matter how
good his manners are.


PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that
should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several
days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good
money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as
they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste
of finger foods.


DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first
date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been
wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the
bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back.
Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter
is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to
school on time.


THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have
proven they can't hear you.


WEDDINGS

1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this
special occasion.


DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun
is loaded and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

1999 LR, 2002 ACL/PLC recon, reversal of LR, 2004 ACL revision, 2006 Car accident torn PCL and small fractures resulting in bone chips in my knee.  Torn MCL 3 times.  Wicked screws under IT band and Pes Anserine.  June 2008-Hip Arthroscopy.

Offline enuff81020

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Re: Fun E-mails!
« Reply #19 on: July 17, 2003, 06:46:52 AM »
THESE THINGS JUST CRACK ME UP I LOVE READING EM, ALWAYS GOOD FOR A LAUGH.

FLOYD
Both kneesOA.
Scope on rt knee,9/00;2/01
scope w/ LR and debridement rt knee 2/02
left knee same5/02
Patellar problems
LeftTKR12/16/02
Right TKR7/14/03
Complications MUA 8/14/03
R TKR revisio

Offline LA2047

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Re: Fun E-mails!
« Reply #20 on: July 18, 2003, 10:07:34 PM »
Had to add my "stupid criminal" entry, because despite the fact that I've seen it on the internet now and then over the last twelve years, this actually happened to me (well, not ME, but the teller next to me), so I know it's true.

I was working in a Valley Bank in Reno, NV.  A guy decided he needed cash for gambling so he decided to rob the bank (I'm getting this from the news report following his arrest).  He drove up to the bank and was about to write a stick-up note, when he realized he didn't have any paper.  He was, however, driving his mother's car and she always kept her savings book in her glove box.  So he removed one of the deposit slips from her bankbook, tore the corner that had her name and address, then wrote "this is a robbery.  No bait money or alarms." on it.  He came in, we gave him the money (of course we still gave him the bait money that activated the alarms when you pulled it from the drawer), and he drove away.  What he forgot was his stick-up note, which still had the account number printed at the bottom.  It didn't take the police long to track him down, where they found him at a blackjack table in the casino right down the street.
Complete PCL & LCL rupture, partial MCL rupture, December 2001 (car meets motorcycle - man meets freeway).  LCL reco 3/02 (donor graft), PCL reco 5/02 (donor graft).  Motorcycle, R.I.P.















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