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Author Topic: Backlash  (Read 2196 times)

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Offline windbarb

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« on: May 21, 2003, 06:13:13 PM »
Hey everyone,

I know I've been quiet on the board lately, especially with catching up after taking a week's vacation.  But I guess I feel like I need a little help right now with things that I'm not sure another group of friends would understand.

My husband was a dear during my layup and especially during my surgery.  However, since about a week or so later, he's been less understanding.  First, he can't understand why I'm not back up to 100% yet, especially since it was just a scope.  

Second, and more painfully, he is starting to talk about how I didn't help him during the extensive remodeling work that we had to do between about January and April... that he did it all and I sat around and did nothing.  That hurts for two reasons.  First, I did contribute as much as I could... Before the surgery, I painted a bathroom, tiled the floor, and helped tile the wall, all until I was swelled, in tears, and up until 3am with the work.  A week and a half after, I rolled paint on all of the walls downstairs... yes, it wasn't a huge house, but it required a lot of effort and a lot of standing and moving.  I also helped paint trim boards until I couldn't stand up anymore.  The second reason it hurts is that he seemed so understanding before, and now it seems like he's forgotten what I had to go through and is placing blame on me for his being overworked.  I don't like that he thinks I was just being lazy.

I don't know what I need... I guess I just needed to vent.  Thanks for listening.

1988-91: LK severe OSD, RK mild OSD
01/91: LK scope-flush. lingering pain
12/02: LK cortisone injection
3/03: LK scope-plica excision, partial synovectomy
11/04: L big toe cartilage/bone repair (fell)
now: L middle toe (broke; lingering pain), RK pain/swelling, neck pain/swelling


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Re: Backlash
« Reply #1 on: May 21, 2003, 09:12:52 PM »
Hi Barb

It sounds like your husband expects you to be superwoman!

I know he probably thinks "Why is she not right yet" but he probably has no real idea about what your body has to go through to recover from surgery.

Your husband may not realise that what he is saying is hurting you emotionally and that causes a lot of bitterness, he feels you haven't done anything, you feel he is uncaring.

You need to spell it out to your husband that some physicall activitie are out at the moment, even with a scope it does take a number of weeks to months to recover physically and thats aside from the emotional & mental healing as well.

I know it may seem an obvious thing to do but really tell him what you are going through and say I really wish I could have helped but it's just not possible unless I want to have further problems.

I think things like this take time 7 consideration, why not ask your husband if he would like to post here or read through the messages, it's likely he has questions about your surgery he has bottled up and he may be feeling resentful that you get support here, similiar to when my partner got resentful because I was on here a lot after my knee surgery.

You married for better for worse, in sicknes and in health, I think you need to remind him of that.


Offline Ross

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Re: Backlash
« Reply #2 on: May 23, 2003, 01:32:11 PM »
Barb, an interesting aspect of the human psyche is the ability to forget what anyone else has done and magnify our own contributions.  We are by nature a pretty subjective species.

Couple of questions Barb, are you an elite athlete?  Has anyone in your family experienced instant healing of a major injury?  If the answers come up, no and no, you're human just like the rest of us and you'll take as long as it takes to heal.  

It may be worth letting your bloke know just how frustrating it is for you to be incapacitated too as often simply voicing that frustration is enough to get folks to look at things from a different perspective.

It also may be an idea to point at something you painted or tiled and find a fault in it if he's laying claim to being the author of all the family's good works.  Have a second bit handy in case he readily acknowledges your part in the fault though!  Eventually he'll jerry that you did your bit!
I'm a grumpy old bear with a busted knee.  The growling you hear is my tummy rumbling!

Offline enuff81020

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Re: Backlash
« Reply #3 on: May 23, 2003, 09:00:38 PM »

I was there with my hubby a couple of weeks ago--with him it was a cheap shot about the pain meds I, in response, I went 4 days without any--how dumb is that?

This may sound awful--but even holding him accountable for what he said didn't get me anywhere because he couldn't see the problem.  Then, he did something that annoyed me and I was way blunt with him.  I saw that it hurt his feelings, so I called him to apologize for my own behavior--and that opened the door for us to have a decent conversation and get it all out in the open.

He was feeling frustrated after his own surgery with what was going on and the fact that he had limitations--and he took it out on me.  Add in the piece that he had finally experienced a surgical experience and got to realize they are not fun--and the way his own doc talked to him about needing and using pain meds to the fact that he saw me really struggle during those 4 very awful days with nothing but pain....and he realized what he had really done.

This has made me realize that we have to get conversation going, especially during these times of big stress--and that when I'm needy, I need him WITH me.  Find a way to talk--I don't recommend climbing down his throat, but in my case that worked...

More hugs, Sylvia
Both kneesOA.
Scope on rt knee,9/00;2/01
scope w/ LR and debridement rt knee 2/02
left knee same5/02
Patellar problems
Right TKR7/14/03
Complications MUA 8/14/03
R TKR revisio