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Author Topic: Am I being selfish??  (Read 1849 times)

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Offline sharon74

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Am I being selfish??
« on: May 24, 2006, 07:55:39 AM »
I had a TTT done on my knee last week.  That is not what is making me depressed, but it is related to my issues.  Back when I set my surgery date, 3 months ago, I talked to my mom and she agreed to come up and stay with me for the first two weeks to help take care of me.  About 3 weeks before my surgery she called to say that she could not come after all because they sold their house and they had to be out within 6 weeks.  My response was "ok, we will figure something out.  Oh, congrats on selling your house."  Honestly I was ok with this as I was having second thoughts on having mom live with us for 2 weeks anyway.

Fast forward to the day after my surgery, mom calls to see how I am doing.  In the conversation she says she is moving that weekend (I had heard the jabs earlier about us not being able to help move) but made sure to point out that she would be very busy the next week (she is moving a few miles from me).  It came across to me that she was making sure I would not ask her for help the following week.  I almost feel abandoned and like I am not important to her.  I am pretty sure that if this had been my brother she would have been there to help him no matter what. 

My husband has been here for me since my surgery, he has been wonderful.  We have had our moments, but you get two independent people together and one has to rely completely on the other - things are bound to get bad at times.  I know there are other issues on my mind - no one from my department at work has even bothered to email me and see how I am doing or to say "get well" and no friends or family have stopped by to see me or sent any cards.  This is why I feel like I am selfish.  I am having a BBQ this weekend where I am inviting my friends and family, but I am debating on inviting mom or just saying "I thought you would be too busy to come."

Is it really wrong of me, a person in my 30's to let these things bother me???? 
1990 - left knee exploratory - removed scar tissue
1991 - left knee LR
1993 - right knee LR
2002 - left knee LR
2006 - left knee TTT/LR

Offline Doc79316

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Re: Am I being selfish??
« Reply #1 on: May 24, 2006, 08:49:25 AM »
Hi Sharon,

You are not being selfish. You are naturally feeling the way anyone does after TTT surgery. I felt exactly the same way after my last few surgeries - family were there to help at times but I heard from absolutely no-one at work! After my last surgery I got visits, phone calls and e-mails, but not until at least a week after I got home. Before I had the surgery I asked people not to contact me until I'd been home a week to give me time to get over the trauma of surgery a little. This was, in a roundabout way, my way of asking for those things to happen. And it worked.
One of the problems I found was that I was completely housebound. I couldn't go anywhere or do anything without someone else there to cart me about. It's frustrating to say the least. If you're the sort of person who can cope on your own usually then the first few weeks after TTT surgery is a nightmare.
Having said that, what do you do to occupy your time at the moment? Do you have computer games, books, DVD's etc? Sudoku books?
For me personally, I appreciated my husband being around for a few days after I got home from surgery but after that he got on my nerves. I know it's awful to say because he was being so helpful, but there comes a point where I have to do things for myself. He booked 3 weeks off work (unpaid leave) to look after me and we lasted 4 days in the house together before I packed him off back to work.
I'm sure your Mom wants to help you out and be there for you. It may be that she thinks you'll call if you need her, and in the meantime you have your husband to help out. I could be completely wrong though, I know.
Maybe your friends and work colleagues haven't called because they want to give you time at home first before contacting you. I'm sure they all care and would wish you well, otherwise you wouldn't be inviting them to your BBQ. Maybe you could e-mail or call them, sort of as a confirmation call for their attendance at the BBQ?
I don't really know what to suggest, but you are NOT being selfish. It's only natural to feel they way you are at the moment. You need to make sure that you don't blow this out of proportion though. It would be easy to do - the more you think about it the worse it seems.
Most of us here have felt the way you do and we're here to support you all the way. Keep you chin up, this is the worst of it. It's all downhill from here and once you get stuck into your rehab properly and can get around on your own you'll forget you ever felt this way.

Take care,

Laura x
« Last Edit: May 24, 2006, 09:03:54 AM by laura79316 »
Left knee surgery
08/06/02 - L/Release
13/08/03 - Fulkerson TTT
05/06/05 - Stabilisation & Medialisation/Tendon Transfer
13/01/06 - Proximal Hamstring Superior Stabilisation
06/03/06 - RSD/CRPS diagnosed
20/07/06 + 03/04/07- Excision of scar tissue
30/07/07 - PKR suggested by OS (no date yet)

knee deep in Goo

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Re: Am I being selfish??
« Reply #2 on: May 24, 2006, 12:17:15 PM »
You are going through  a period where every emotion you have is delicate.  Sometimes you just got to tell people you need them.  Mom I need you .. I really really need you.

( note this is normally a very hard process to feel a the bottom and to cry for help)  --

 and when I had multiple people from work call me.. I found it just brought me to a very emotional place also.. So you may want to count your blessings that people are allowing you some space.   But I must say I can feel your pain if you feel like the tossed you to the wind as well. .. Also another reason why you know you are in a delicate place...  Sometimes going to a  Pain management therapist may help you deal with these feelings... or.. you can consider it a self pampering.

Offline sharon74

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Re: Am I being selfish??
« Reply #3 on: May 24, 2006, 05:02:31 PM »
I have contacted everyone with emails, I sent 2 to everyone, one updating the vacation I took right before surgery and one giving an update after my surgery.  A few people in other departments responded to me, and have kept me up to date on happenings around the office, I just have not heard from those in my department.  For me mostly it is a wakeup call on who your true friends are (all of my close friends have called or emailed me).  I guess the biggest blow was my mom doing that to me and not offering to come up for a few days at least.  I will get over it - I think.  I guess it may always be in the back of my mind though.

My husband though has been wonderful.  He only planned on taking a few days off of work and working from home.  He needed the time off himself as he was sick for a few days.  He is now at work and checks on me throughout the day.  Even though I can move around more now I still can not get my own food.  In the meantime I sit here with my laptop, puzzle books, cross stitch, and other things sitting around.  Plus I now have time to do my nails  :-)  LOL
1990 - left knee exploratory - removed scar tissue
1991 - left knee LR
1993 - right knee LR
2002 - left knee LR
2006 - left knee TTT/LR

Offline jm121205

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Re: Am I being selfish??
« Reply #4 on: June 01, 2006, 07:13:50 PM »
My mom is no longer alive but she would have responded similiar to your mom.  I am glad that you finally got to get some contact.  People get into that weird I don't want to be a bother when you are sick thing. 

My first surgery was on an emergency basis so I got to find out immediately who was in that true friends catagory.  Take care of yourself. 
11/1/05 clean patella fracture
12/12/15 shattered patella, emergency surgical repair
2/06 to 4/06 attempting to convince them something was not right
4/26/06 recheck with surgeon: original break not healing and wires from surgery broken
5/26/06 Second Surgery
8/16/06 no more brace

Offline lesleyjh

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Re: Am I being selfish??
« Reply #5 on: June 01, 2006, 09:00:36 PM »
Hi all, I know exactly how you feel, and you are NOT selfish. I felt the same when I had my op. My Dad and stepmother disappeared off the face of the earth. Not that they have ever been around to help even babysit normally anyway. I have 4 kids and my poor husband was run ragged,bless him. They turned up 4 days after I had had the op,I was upstairs on the bed icing my knee, they let themselves in,door was unlocked, I could here them downstairs making a cup of tea! It took them over half an hour to come upstairs to see if I was ok! They stayed for 1 hour, until the kids came home from school, then they went home! Which is the time I needed them most, there was no offer to tidy up or do some ironing, or even pick the kids up from school to save my husband coming out of work early, or my very good friends doing it, I dont know what I would have done without these other people to help me. I have seen them once last week ( 4 weeks post op). It is these people who are selfish and they are just thoughtless, they dont realise what they are doing,they just dont think! ooh I feel better after that moan! You will feel better when your knee starts to feel better and you are not as emotional. Hope you do feel better soon take care. Lesley.
Arthroscopy-excision of synovial plica  24th April 06 (left knee)

Offline Cari

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Re: Am I being selfish??
« Reply #6 on: June 02, 2006, 01:13:54 AM »
You truly are NOT selfish!!!!!!!!!!! There is something about Sons in a family that I have been dealing with as well over the years. I have 2 sisters and 1 brother and it seems the only time things "matter" are when it has o do with my Brother!!! Yes it does hurt but I know that my family does love me so I sort of try and get over it after awhile!! Remember what you are going through is MAJOR and you have every right to feel the way you do !!!!

I hope you continue to feel better !!

Cari
open lateral release 10/85, various scopes 1994-1998 for debridement, medial release 11/98,  TTT(Fulkerson)& lateral release 11/30/99, screw removal 6/27/00, tibial repair 2/13/01, dx RSD 6/25/01

Offline sharon74

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Re: Am I being selfish??
« Reply #7 on: June 02, 2006, 01:28:13 AM »
Thanks for all of the support - you guys really did make me feel better.  I have learned to accept the fact that I am not a priority in my mom's life.  We are trying to decide if we are still going to pay for her to go on vacation with us this fall as that was to be our "payment" for her assistance.  Knowing us, we will do it as my son is looking forward to the trip with her.  We had our BBQ over the weekend and my mom actually showed up when she got back in town.  So long as she keeps her promises to my son I will be alright.  My dad on the other hand has been keeping in contact with me at least once a week to see how I am doing and he does not moan about his own problems, which is nice.  I have to ask him about his knee - he is having TKR in July.

But the important thing is I have my husband and son.  They have been great at helping me out and taking care of me, showing that they do care.  It has truly made me appreciate them, and I am more in love with my husband that I ever have been.  My friends came over for our BBQ and took care of it all for us, and I know how lucky I am to have them around.  As you have stated, you really find out who your true friends are at times like this!

Things are starting to look up for me, and it is great to have the support that you guys have given me.  Thanks again!!   :D
1990 - left knee exploratory - removed scar tissue
1991 - left knee LR
1993 - right knee LR
2002 - left knee LR
2006 - left knee TTT/LR

Offline Doc79316

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Re: Am I being selfish??
« Reply #8 on: June 02, 2006, 04:24:54 AM »
Sharon,

I'm so pleased you're feeling better about things generally. Also as time passes, your knee will also get better allowing you to do more for yourself, and therefore giving you that confidence boost to. So, now you are back into a positive cycle mentally and emotionally again and that's where you need to be to rehab properly.

It's great that your BBQ went well. Down people from family/work etc have een you, now the won't think twice about calling you if only for a chat. That contact during the day can make all the difference if you're hosuebound.

Feel free to vent anytime if you are feeling down again. We are here tosupport you always.

Take care,

Laura x
Left knee surgery
08/06/02 - L/Release
13/08/03 - Fulkerson TTT
05/06/05 - Stabilisation & Medialisation/Tendon Transfer
13/01/06 - Proximal Hamstring Superior Stabilisation
06/03/06 - RSD/CRPS diagnosed
20/07/06 + 03/04/07- Excision of scar tissue
30/07/07 - PKR suggested by OS (no date yet)

Offline SarahJane

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Re: Am I being selfish??
« Reply #9 on: June 02, 2006, 12:41:15 PM »
I felt really sad when I read Sharon's email ... because my Mum and sister/brother would have done exactly the same thing. It's been hard to come to terms with the fact that my family are only interested in me for what I can do for them!  I was made to feel that I was being selfish for asking for help - so in the end I stopped asking them!

Isn't it strange how a Knee injury weeds out the true friends and shows people for what they really are!

After my knee injury I discovered that some acquaintances and even complete strangers were more caring than some of my so-called friends!   My 'best' friends visited once then disappeared completely!  They've been replaced by people who have offered practical and spiritual support and I have learnt a valuable lesson about people.

I do wonder if other injuries do this .....   or is it just the wonders of a knee??!  ;D

S
Jan 05: Avulsed Patella Tendon (YUK)
Wired together Feb 05
Constant pain after Cast removed
2nd Op Nov05 to remove a 2cm piece of Bone from my Patella Tendon!!!
2 months later STOP physio due to Pain & Crepitus
Feb 06: Ultrasound shows NO Patella Tendon!
No plans for the future! :-/

Offline stgiles16

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Re: Am I being selfish??
« Reply #10 on: June 04, 2006, 04:50:11 AM »
After my first surgery, my "friends" were right there for me BUT after each one, they continued to disappear. What really got me was when one so called friend made a smart comment when I had to have another surgery that " I must enjoy having surgery". I was so angry and hurt. I did not take that well, I smarted off right back to her and she has kept her comments to herself ever since. My mom will help some but no one stays with me after surgery. They never have. Hubby goes off to work and here I sit, no matter how difficult the surgery was.  What upsets me about my mom is that she doesnt believe in fibromyalgia and so she thinks that I am making it up when I have a bad flare up. She blows off my knee pain too. When I was scheduled for my PKR in feb, she did nothing but complain and tell me that I should not be doing the surgery. Hubby was no better. For the first time since the accident, I finally broke down and cried. It amazes me now that I have health issues, how emotional I am because of my  disabilties.I definately took my health for granted until the accident.

missy
2 ligament recons right ankle
2 arthroscopic,
5 open knee procedures
2 Plica removals
bone spur removal
2 microfractures
4 debridements
2 open LOAs all on left knee
Arthritis,both knees, ankles, shoulders, elbows, hands,spine
Fibromyalgia
Arthrofibrosis
LOA & PKR 2/15/06
RA
in pain mgmt
TKR JAN 2012















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