The WAITING ROOM => Emotional/Spiritual help and encouragement => Topic started by: jm121205 on May 09, 2006, 10:21:03 PM

Title: 16 days til surgery and unsure I can do this
Post by: jm121205 on May 09, 2006, 10:21:03 PM
When my surgeon told me I would have to start over with surgery and all the trimmings, I was pretty much okay with it all.  Now with it scheduled and the days ticking down.  I am not sure I want to go through it again.  All I really want is my life and privacy back.  I am so depressed right now.  And I feel like such a baby since so many of you have been doing this for YEARS.  My 6 months seems pretty sad. 

I know I have to do this but I can not bear the fear and frustation and the way everyone looks at you.  Yes, I want to have this fixed, but I know what is coming and it took me to the edge before.  I don't know if I can be the perfect patient and say yes to all the things that are not necessarily right for me. 

I am so sick of feeling like this.
Title: Re: 16 days til surgery and unsure I can do this
Post by: sezb on May 09, 2006, 10:42:17 PM

I really feel for you... I felt a little like you before my surgery as things had got back to pretty much normal and then I took a step backward, (well ok more than a few steps), after the op. but I always looked at the long term effect on my life, not the short term. If you can do that too, then do try as it should be better for you in the long run I'm sure.

Good luck!
Sez :)
Title: Re: 16 days til surgery and unsure I can do this
Post by: stgiles16 on May 10, 2006, 09:26:13 PM
Why on earth would you have to say yes to something that is NOT in your best interest? You must be your own best advocate. If you trust your OS, that is wonderful, if you dont, find a new one before you have surgery again.

Now that I have that question out of the way, I totally understand how you feel. I had yet another surgery  in feb 06. I had handled all of the other ones without much problem but the thought of starting over was just devastating. I cried for the first time since I started this merry go round (it didnt help that I had no emotional support from my family, that really pushed me over the edge). I know that it is hard to start over. Every time, I swear that I wont let them touch it again until I cant stand the pain anymore (unfortunately, that has happened a couple of times). Idont have any majic words for you, just well wishes and understanding. Feel free to vent here anytime you need. That is what we are all here for.

good luck and let us know how it goes. what are you having done?

Title: Re: 16 days til surgery and unsure I can do this
Post by: jm121205 on May 10, 2006, 11:15:22 PM
Thanks to both of you. 

I originally did a clean fracture of my left patella and the first orthopedist took a very lax attitude and did not do a surgical fix.  5 weeks later I fell again this time shattering the lower piece.  I got to have an ambulance ride and emergency surgery, they put the shatter back together which has healed fabulously.  However the original fracture has not healed.  It is filling in with "fibrous" material.  The wires they put in to hold the patella together while it healed are now broken in several places -- no I didn't fall or anything.  It just happened. 

So now, I start completely over.  Major surgery, the brace from hell and PT -- another six months.  My surgeon seems to think this is the only issue in my life and that I can give up everything else to fulfill his protocol.  Yes, he is a pain, but he is a gifted pain.  I highly reccomend him as a surgeon, but as a care provider.....  So with all this wire and it's subsequent pain, I don't feel like doctor shopping and starting over with him and then another 6-8 weeks do get these stupid free floating wires out. 

I am a very private person.  The idea of going through another round of nosy questions, being ignored, lied to and about and being physically exposed is not very happy-making for me.  I just want to cry everytime I think about it.  And not thinking about it challenging given this 6 inch scar on my leg and the random shooting pain from the stupid wires. 

Thanks again.  Judith
Title: Re: 16 days til surgery and unsure I can do this
Post by: stgiles16 on May 11, 2006, 01:18:46 AM
It really disturbs me that you say that you have to put up with being lied to and about and being physically exposed. I dont understand. I have had 8 surgeries in the last 5 yrs and I have yet to feel "exposed". It is my knee, not a "private" area. Why would they lie to you? I totally understand a brilliant surgeon with a horrible bedside manner , I have been lucky my brilliant OS has a wonderful bedside manner.  Starting over stinks, I agree, I have started completely over 3 times with the knee and twice with the opposite ankle. It is a horrible thought,,,,, starting from scratch, and guess what?? I  get to do it again one of these days, I know it but I dont think about it much.

I do understand and  I am sorry that you have to go thru it again but try hard to think of this as the final "FIX". Maybe (hopefully) this will be your very last surgery. Try to go into it with a positive attitude (even though it is hard to do). You WILL get better. This will be the one that fixes you right up.

by the way, I have yet to meet an OS who did not think that all we have to do everyday is work on rehab for the knee. My PT thinks the same way. I am supposed to be staying off of my knee right now but as a mother whose husband works out of town, it just isnt gonna happen. lOL

good luck
best wishes
let us know how you do.
Title: Re: 16 days til surgery and unsure I can do this
Post by: bikersmurf on May 11, 2006, 03:45:10 AM
 I am not sure if you read any of my post before , but I have been on the emotional phyisical and dread roller coaster for around 10 months now. I can understand your feeling and there are valid. I know you feel like if only and why and can I do this. Well the answer is yes. You are ina battle and so far you are the winner, cause you are feeling your emotions and not ignoring them. It is very easy for people to fall into a rut as I call it.
Having to go through another op is not easy, but not going through it will only be worse. Having fears are valid and wondering is also, but fretting about it only ads to the stress and uncertainness. I have gotten my hopes up and had them stomped out as much of us has. The one thing you need to do is listen to your heart and what your knee is telling you. Making big desicions is hard but remember we are all here for you.
Title: Re: 16 days til surgery and unsure I can do this
Post by: lovemybones on May 11, 2006, 05:16:25 AM
Hi Bikersmurf,
Your advice to Judith is right on.  I have often felt that by letting myself fully experience whatever emotion was coming up regarding my knee recovery actually helped me not stay stuck in it.  This is definitely a rollercoaster ride and a great metaphor for this experience I believe.  No matter how scared you might be riding on it, you know it would just be a bit worse if you attempted to jump off before it stopped.  I guess the same can be said for getting ready for surgery.  Like most people on this forum, everytime I think I'm done, then there is another necessary surgery lurking around the corner.

I noticed in your signature your reinjured yourself again in a bad fall.  How did you do this if you're open to talking about it?  I did the same thing and it's the reason I'm here.  For simplicity's sake when people on the street ask me how I broke my leg, I just tell them I broke everything in the motorcycle crash. It's easier than trying to explain I had two accidents and actually broke my knee falling down four stairs.  It's that darn rollercoaster I tell you.

Glad your recovering.


Title: Re: 16 days til surgery and unsure I can do this
Post by: KatieO on May 11, 2006, 08:32:30 PM
I am glad you are talking to us. I know that after each of my surgeries (not to mention after each time I gave birth) I swore up and down that I would never do that again. Now, I am facing maybe another big surgery. Since I am at a safe distance from it, and I am in too much pain and want to have the pain STOP, I can say, sure bring it on. I can handle anything. But wait until the surgeon actually says, if he does,that he wants to do a surgery, I will be crying. I will be crying happy and crying scared. Then, as the roller coaster ride continues, I will be fine and brave and THEN right before the surgery, I will totally freak.
I hope you can find ways to make yourself feel safe and feel like you are clear that you are taking the right route. Scared is fine, we all go there. But you need to feel clear that the surgeon is offering you the best choice for you. Second opinions are hard but can be very useful. Your peace of mind is important.
Take care!
Title: Re: 16 days til surgery and unsure I can do this
Post by: bikersmurf on May 12, 2006, 02:37:32 AM
 I original broke it in a motorcycle accident also. The second time I was comming up steps( of corse one foot at a time )and knee gave and I twisted to side and hit it with a full bag of can goods and hit the side railing and fell. Well off to Os after that one and then had to almost restart. Bed rest, brace, meds and exercises. The wires close to the puntcher spot were rubbing bone cause original op I had lost most of tissue etc. The worst was twist tie from figure eight was sticking up and only skin keeping it from commung through, so out they had to come. Now a week later after removal I feel soo much better. I still limp some but I have alot to do yet. I am glad that we all are there for each other. Not many out there can come close to understanding.