You know when you get to that point where you think your never going to get your leg back…Im there. I have that fear in the back of my mind (just a nagging bad thought) that Im never going to be able to walk normal, run, bike, work, live normal because of this damn leg.  I know its that subtle fear thats creeping in on the good thoughts and I know Im going to get back into shape, I have that drive to get better but Im frustrated and just impatient. I know it wil come back eventually but right now its just not in sight. Im still limping badly, still in some pain (rain/cold) and still have severe swelling and fluid in the joint. Today I went in because I thought there was an underlying infection or something the swelling is so bad. He took xrays and said everything looked ok, that there was alot of fluid in there but he didnt want to take it out and risk an infection. Your knee is going to do this off and on the rest of your life or at least the rest of the time you have the metal in your knee. I already told you, you have arthritis, this is just something to get used to. If your having that much trouble walking go back to crutches, you cant afford another fall otherwise don’t take a step without that cane for a while. I do have some range of motion he didn’t expect me to have yet. He was asking if I was in PT yet and I said no so he said soon as everything calms down with dad start going back to PT before I loose any more muscle. That’s most of the problem is I don’t have any muscle mass to support my knee. The muscles have gotten weak. He did say that’s the reason its unstable is I didn’t have enough time after the second surgery to recover before I broke the patella. The last thing he said was basically that you broke a bone (technically twice, only the first time it was a controlled cut), you have a transplanted donor ligament in your knee, theres a whole bunch of metal in your knee, plus early arthritis to top it off, those things aren’t going to heal overnight. Your not just going to be able to stand one day and walk or run, you have to take it one day at a time and just let your body do the work, you have to crawl before you walk and walk before you run. The good thing though is he dont see why I cant still work nursing, bike, walk or slight jog, it wil just take a long time to get there.  He still dont think running will come back but I can live with that.  It still don’t change the frustration and the thought ‘is this knee ever going to work right (not the same but right)’ but at least I don’t have an infection and its not technically a set back. Mother nature just needs to be nicer.  Went to doc earlier in the week and got some steroids, pain meds and a muscle relaxer so my back is almost back to normal (whew).  Im tired, going to bed.

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