I'm at a new low... I'm coming up on the one-year anniversary of the last time I was able to walk, with no relief in sight. I can't remember a day without pain and I want it to stop, but there's nothing I can do.... and no, don't worry, I'm not thinking about doing anything stupid, I just need.... well hell if I know. I need something. I'm tired of begging for help from clueless doctors and hopelessly incompetent civilian medical support. I'm sick of the look my friends get when they have to pick up my house; I'm sick of not being able to take care of myself. I'm sick of people telling me I'm lucky I "don't have to" go to work. I'm sick of physical therapy that makes it worse. At my appointment today the new therapist asked me if I had any hobbies I wanted to get back to and for the life of me I couldn't even remember one. It feels like everybody else gets to be a person, so why can't I be one too? Why can't I get out of bed for more than minutes at a time? It used to be that when I tried harder, I got better instead of worse. I'm not used to being weak.... I'm supposed to be one of the best, one of the strongest, one of the smartest. I've swum faster than olympic athletes, I've outrun and outshot special forces; now I can't even cook my own food. I've landed a 16000-pound airplane on a patch of dirt no wider than a driveway; now I'm scared to drive a car. I thought I could take on anything, but now I feel like a goldfish in a burning house, and nobody's bothered to pick up my bowl. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.