Ever feel like you are losing it?

[ProfLiebstrom]

Everything has never been exactly easy for me. As soon as I started school I gained weight for some reason and was teased about that. That stopped pretty much as soon as I started sixth form though and I only get a few comments occasionally. And they end up being put in there place.

e.g. One guy who was saying things behind my back said them to someone he didn't know I was friends with and ended up being slapped by her and have his toes stamped on by high heels. And another who had said things for years I lost it with in biology. He started threatening me and saying I couldn't catch him if he did something. He was kinda proved wrong when I chased after him leaped over tables, grabbed him and warned him about what would happen if he tried something.

My dad is quite frankly an a**. When I was younger (about 5/6) he used to put me outside in middle of winter in my PJs and laugh at me through the door because he thought it was funny. He is always giving me abusive comments, like the ones people get at school. He's threatened to kill my mum twice, although once I can't remember. He's kicked my door down and threatened to kill me (That wasn't long before I found this site) And in the past he has taken the door off my room because I used to lock him out. I've had full blown fights with him. I have put him in surgery twice with perforated ear drums after i've hit him in the side of the head. And as you probably know there was recently as well with the blood donor thing which I lost it with.

My mum I just have the normal arguments all people have with their children about tiding their room. She irritates me though when she moves anything I put down. Even when it's in my room it gets moved about. And that ends up getting me in trouble at school when my mum has moved my homework or my books or something. My mum's memory is absolutly going as well which makes things frustrating because according to her everything she says is always right. And one of my sisters always backs my mum against me, even if it's about something she wasn't about for! And my other sister just shouts and screams at everything (They are really half sisters and 35/36 btw)

I was mugged 5 years ago in June. That was when the school hols had just started and it was my best friend at the time who set me up  who lives round the corner. I'm still receiving treatment for it now. Everything has been brought up again with Criminal Injuries Compensation so I have had to write all about what happenned. I have to live with that everyday anyway. I have a scar on  my top lip from where it split and my teeth are still not straight. Although that's getting sorted in a few weeks. If im in the bath room and look in the sink then look in the mirror I always get the same image in my head from when I was in the bathroom after it happened (This wasn't my bathroom it was one in a supermarket) spitting out the blood in the sink, rinsing my mouth then looking and seeing how bad it really was.

I have my shaking hands which has been caused by the mugging according to my GP. I never thought it was anything physiological anyway. I now have my locking finger as well which I need to see GP about and be referred to the hand clinic. I rarely go out as well unless 1 of 3 people are there. I honestly don't trust most people. And who can blame me? I was set up by my best friend and I had known him since I was like 3. How can I be expected to trust someone I have known 5 minutes!

All that and we haven't even got to my knee yet! Some sort of pain everyday and sometimes hurts like hell all the time. And I have gone on about that enough already before so won't now!

I barely sleep as you have probably realised looking at the times at which I post! During the holidays I will sleep all day and be awake from like midnight until 10 in the morning the I will go back to sleeping. During term time I will go to bed at 4/5 in the morning and then I am up again at 7/8. Then after school I won't sleep. Every now and then I will have a lie in when I don't have any morning lessons and will have a bit of a nap after school some days.

Last year or so has been hell. You know every now and then you go somewhere to do something and then you get there and forget why? That seems to be happening all the time now! Sometimes I can't remember what I was doing 5 minutes a go and it's SO ANNOYING because my memory used to be amazing. It still is for some things but names and short term seems to have gone completely, I actually forgot my best friends name not long a go!

And last few days I haven't been able to tell my dreams and real life apart! I woke up this morning thinking I had got a letter. And went about looking for it for hours before I realised it was just a dream.

Top all that off with the stress of upcoming exams and you have me!

Sorry it's so long. Needed to let it all out

[casey2291]

Hey,

I'm so sorry to hear that you are having such a rough time right now.  I wish that I had some great words to make you feel better, but I'm not sure that I do.  I think that we can't ever truly understand what someone has gone through until we have been in their shoes.  I can't really relate to your situation, but it does sound as if maybe you have some depression/anxiety. Have you talked with your GP about the need for some meds that will help calm you or help you think more clearly?  It also seems that you are quite angry with others....with every right to be considering what you have been through.  Have you considered seeing a counselor to help you talk through all the stuff that has gone on and goes on in your life?  Do you have a school guidance counselor or could your GP recommend you to a counselor?  I wish that I could be of more help to you.  Hang in there!!!  I am sending some hugs your way and wishes for some bright and happy days!

Casey     

[ProfLiebstrom]

yeh my GP said wait for now basically until the criminal injuries stuff gets underway and she recommended counselling. But sent me away to think about it for a week. And she said I can just go down and let everything off my chest with her if I want to when things get to me. She did say at first to see how things were after all the criminal injuries stuff was over with but it takes at least 6 months to a year for them to make a decision. Despite having tons of medical evidence and witnesses......

I was offered to speak to victim support when it happenned but i flat out refused to go. Insisting I was fine. And im very headstrong lol. When I decide I want to do something....I do it....

My form teacher at school knows about most of the things too. I was going to be kicked out because I did crap on my exams last year. Then  I told my teacher about it all and told my other teachers and they had a change of heart......it's amazing I even passed some really with everything going on.

I did retakes in jan for one subject and pulled my grade up by 50 odd marks which put me just below a C. And that was while I was completely drugged up on anti inflam and painkillers. And it was a fairly relaxed time at home for a change as well.

We have a school counsellor......but quite frankly I don't like her or trust her. So I won't go to her. And when my teacher spoke to her. Her solution was give me a leaflet......completely unrealted to the problems I was having....and a few phone numbers.....not free ones mind.......premium rate ones....

I know someone on the forums is doing psychology or psychiatry one of them. Will point them towards here see wht they say.

[stgiles16]

Just a thought here, my pain meds cause my memory to be horrible. My whole family teases me about it. If you take alot of pain meds, that might be contributing to your memory problems. I forget EVERYTHING LATELY. I make myself notes to remember the important stuff.

good luck
missy

[ProfLiebstrom]

Im off pain meds at the mo. They were doing nothing for me so I talked to my doctor and we took me off them. They help when I have a really bad flare up and am screaming in pain and thats the only time I take them since they do nothing rest of the time.

[Nettan]

Hey !!

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. You need help to put your life together again. I hope you at least have someone you can talk to who you trust.About this with forgettting things.Pain in itself can block you so much so your memory isn't the best. I have gone through that myself.Maybe you also have had a though time now and therefor block yourself, without knowing it. I really feel for you and wish I could help you out better then just saying I hear you and understand you. I know myself with having a teenage daughter is sometimes hard to know how to help.
My daughter have had a though time herself with one friend in school and felt alone. In the end she had enough and her teacher helped her. Now she feels better but she still longs for beginning new school this autumn. She's allergic to much food and also have tremor in her hands and got a brace fo her teeth lately making it hard playing her Flute.She's in a orchestra class.
Feel free IM me if you want contact with her. She's 16 and living in Sweden.Sometimes it's better talking to strangers in same ages.
Hope you feel better soon and that brighter days are on your way.

Hugs Nettan 

[ProfLiebstrom]

thats actually kinda freaky. I don't know if I mentioned and can't be bothered reading what i wrote again to be honest to check. But I have hand tremors and I am having braces fitted on 13th lol. I can't wait until the autumn either. I am staying an extra year because of how bad I did last year.

So everyone I have known for all my life pretty much will be leaving to all different places to go to uni. I actually can't wait for it. I know people in the year below and they all seem to know me which is freaky in a way cause they are all like "HI" and im just thinking "erm who are you?" and I would call a few of them friends. I do obviously not like some of them but the ones I don't like or get along with no one else likes either. I know I mentioned somewhere about the one I lost it with and chased around the classroom jumping over tables etc. Got a standing ovation from everyone in the class which was great because thats the only time the teacher was bothered about me chasing this guy, incase it distracted other classes lol. The guy isn't exactly popular with the teachers and for some reason we were trying to figure out how much caffiene you would need to consume to kill yourself (Someone in the class is addicted to caffiene so thats probably how it came up). And the teacher jumped in saying how much while staring at this guy with the most evil look I have seen.

I don't know when im going to go to the doctors yet but it will be sometime this week......will let you know how it all goes on.

[smiley196]

Prof-
Sorry to hear that things are so hard for you, like Casey said maybe talking to a councellor or close friend would help alot...it usually does for me. Its good to see that you stick up for yourself though like the time you chased the guy down in the cafetiria. How old are you? Is there any chance you'll be moving out of your house soon so you can get a break from your parents?

[ProfLiebstrom]

I should be moving next year if all goes well :p

[smiley196]

Thats good, so then you can get a bit of a break. Alot of my friends who are in university tell me its great moving away from their parents because then everyone appriciated eachother and what you do for eachother alot more.

[ProfLiebstrom]

Yeh....I just got my birth certificate back from criminal injuries today which marks the official start of my case....I also just sat on a pin which im ust have knocked on the chair last night and it hurts like hell lol. I'm going to the doctors friday to ask to be sent to a counsellor

thanks everyone

[rozzzie]

That's good.       You're having a hard time  in multiple areas of your life (sure not fair) .  Having someone to talk to and help you work through your feelings and problems should make a big difference.    

Good Luck, Hope you get the referal and get in soon!

H U G s

Rozzzie

[ProfLiebstrom]

God im going everywhere now i swear. Lets see what the list will be....

Orthodontist
Dentist
Orthopaedics
Hand Clinic
Counsellor

What a fun filled list lol

[rozzzie]

Take things one day at a time.  Don't let all the stuff coming up get you down.  It can seem overwhelming if you look at the list but look at the next appointment or just the next day if that's what you need to do.  You're young, strong and motivated, I have confidence that you will get through this period of strife.
 
H U G s

Rozzzie

[ProfLiebstrom]

yeh the appointments start this week though lol. Looking at the next day generally means looking at the next appointment. On the up side I am keeping half the NHS employed!

7th April - Driving Theory Test
8th April - GP
13th April - Orthodontist
29th April - Dentist
6th May - Dentist
13th May - Orthopaedics
- Hand Clinic. Need to get GP to write a referral on Friday for that.
- Counsellor. Need to get GP to write a referral on Friday for that. Although the waiting list for them is about a week at most so that is OK. If that is a long wait it will drive me mad.

And during all that studying for exams! Exams start week after orthopaedics appointment. I'm definately going to speak to my teacher about that first day back. If all of that doesn't affect my exam performance I would be severely shocked. And would be even more shocked if the exam officier at school says it won't affect me exam performance.